Thursday, January 27, 2005

Hitlist

Being a person of a normally cheeful disposition, I'd just like to exorcise (and exercise) some demons. This is my hitlist of people who have really pissed me off but I haven't been able to think of a witty or violent comeback in time and have been rendered useless by their evil machinations. I don't want to punish them exactly (apart from the afore-mentioned exercise), just to name and shame them and get it off my chest.

1) Man at taxi rank in Glasgow. I've only been to Glasgow once and I really, really liked it. Unfortunately the first person I met on leaving the station was this man. He pushed in front of me in the queue (which on its own makes me want to stick a kniting needle in his ear) but then, when I tried to sidle back to my place, turned round and shouted at me in front of everyone. He was a big, evil alcohol-smelling man and used his size to intimidate me by standing up close and towering over me. It really shook me up and I've been pissed off with him ever since.

2) Man who pushed me off a tube. That kind of speaks for itself really. I was at Holborn station and there was a massive crowd trying to get on. He was one of these people who decides to get off at the last minute and meanders slowly off the tube looking confused. As the doors were about to close, I put one foot on the step, but left him plenty of room to get out of the doors. He slowly wandered up to me, stopped, looked me in the eye and then put both hands on my shoulders and pushed me off the tube. The comedy value of doing a karate throw in response while shouting "Help! I'm being assaulted!" only occured to me later on.

3) The weirdo group of men with matching tatoos on my flight to America last week who refused to put their seats up prior to takeoff when my boyfriend asked them. Instead, they turned round in creepy unison, gave him the look of death and spent the rest of the flight chasing me around the free seats on the plane so they could sit in front of me and put their seat right back until their head was in my lap. The only time I have ever prayed for the plane to crash was when they refused to put their seatbelts on for landing. They also pushed in the queue for immigration, throwing old ladies and little children out of their path until they were at the front.

I think I can stop now because already I feel much better. This is very cathartic. I'll add more if I think of any.

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